I remember when I believed my worth was something to be proved, to be earned, to be determined by my doing and dependent on how others received me.
I remember how it felt to push, struggle, and keep showing up in ways that I knew weren't correct or aligned for me, and how it felt to gaslight myself 'this was just how things are' simply because I didn't know another way of being was possible then.
I remember when my body crumbled under the pressure of disconnection, repeated neglect, and denial, when it couldn't go on in the way it was being demanded to. I remember when my own body cared for me so deeply it sacrificed itself as a message of love and awakening.
I remember how it felt to keep myself small and hidden, to be too afraid of being 'found out' as being different, strange, 'too much', or labeled, judged, and misunderstood.
I remember the fear of being rejected for living in my truth and my intuitive gifts, pretending I didn't see things just to make others comfortable - but what I remember more was the pain of rejecting my own self in this way hurt far, far worse.
I remember feeling like I would never arrive where I knew I needed to go, wondering why I was always in what felt like the wrong place and the wrong time, and why despite my best plans, efforts, and willful initiating, I always seemed to wind up back in the same place again.
I have deep compassion for every version of me that has carried me to this place, where I stand now.... Remembering. I am grateful to remember, so that I may look back at how far I've come. How much I've grown. How deeply I've felt and trusted and moved through anyways, even when it would have been far easier to simply turn around and go back to what was known. How I thought I would never get through certain seasons, but also knew deep down they were initiating me into the truest calling of who I was meant to become.
Remembering brings us alive. When the road gets dark and bleak, when we feel confused and forget our connection to something greater, when we are in the midst of the death and contraction that always precedes our rebirth - Remembering is a balm for our weary heart.
To remember is to reconcile. To remember is to honor what was, so we can make room for what will be. To remember is to make peace. To remember is a revelation.
Without remembering, there is a tendency to move on before lessons have been learned.
Without remembering, we will forget to complete the natural cycle, and will repeat it again.
Remembering brings us back into the energy that all of life is an opportunity to grow, to evolve. Life holds infinite potential - we forget how led, supported, and held we truly are until we retrace our steps from a moment past to our moment present.
Only when we look back to see how far we've come can we fully realize the miraculous unfolding that is always occurring and pulling us forward, especially when we allow ourselves to lean into the guidance of our inner wisdom.
If you are feeling stuck in your present, Go back, Remember your past, Witness how Life showed you the way, step by step, likely beyond what you could have imagined back then.
We are at the stillpoint of the year - the held breath between inhale and exhale, the breaking point from our old foundations and stepping into a realignment unlike any other.
Perhaps you have been feeling this too. Feeling the liminal space between what was and sensing we are on the precipice of things we have never yet seen or imagined to be.
Before we begin again, I invite you to remember. Remember where you were, what was unfolding three, six, nine, and twelve months ago. Retrace your steps and remember:
What moments from your past versions are you being called to remember, from the place you are standing today? What has been the greatest overcoming? How can you offer gratitude and love for those past versions, and the strength they had to choose in order to lead you here? Where are you ready to begin again? What needs to be released, realigned, or brought into your awareness so that you can begin a new journey, today?
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